True Story

[Tom V]

So a gent that has had a few stumbles out of the bar after a long night. He decided to take the shortcut home and wobbles down a cluttered alleyway. As he walks along, sliding his shoulder against the stone buildings, he trips over a wooden crate which breaks open.

In the ruins of the crate he sees a shiny metal object. Picking it up, he discovers that it's an old lamp. POOF! Out pops a genie!

"Thank you traveler, you have freed me from my bonds! To thank you, I grant you 3 wishes."

The drunk thinks for a minute. "I'll want a bottomless pint of Guiness that never empties."

POOF! :beerchug:

The drunk takes a sip, drinks it all, and the glass fills right back up. "Amazing!"

The genie says "You have two more wishes."

The drunk thinks for a second. "I'll have two more of these!"
:beerchug: :beerchug:

[sandman]

ummmmm.:D

A ''genie'' jokes thread yipee..

3 friends get shipwrecked on a desert island .

One finds a bottle and rubs it , out pops a genie

''In return for releasing me , i will grant you 1 wish each'' said the genie

The first one thinks for a minute and says '' i'd love to be home right now , in the loving arms of my wife''

Puff .. he disappears

The second one thinks for a minute then he says '' I miss my wife and 5 kids so much , i wish i was home as well''

Puff ... he disappears as well

The third one stands their looking around him and says '' Christ it's lonely here now ,i wish my mates were back.''.


Brian

[Swampy]

Please take no offense. I am by far a racist.

Edit: I though this was the right phrase for saying the I am NOT racist in any way. Someone is correcting me that it's not though. So. Remember, I'm NOT racist. :) [End Edit]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across
a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to some of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in 100.00 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also
understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he
would want to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

[Swampy]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in a cave and picked it up.Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smiles said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of- a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment.

Then he grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The highly annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding & Hillary Clinton.

His ***** was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

[Swampy]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie.
"You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent.

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I will be rich beyond my wildest dreams. "

***POOF***" The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me. "

***POOF***" He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[sandman]

Mans walking down the road, when something hits him on the top of his head. grabbing it he saw it was a glass eye.

From up above a beautiful blonde leans out of window and asks him to bring it up .

When he gets to her door , she drags him in and makes passionate love to him all night.

In the morning the guy says '' thanks for that , but why me ?''.

The blonde answers ..''You just happened to catch my eye''.

[Swampy]

What did that have to do with Genies?

[sandman]

I cheated.

Time for bed
nite nite.

[sandman]

Had a strange dream last night.
Dreamed i died and went to hell .

When i got there the devil said there was a trick to getting out and going to heaven.
'' You have to make love to the ugliest woman in here ''

Right . so i picked a lulu , old , bent double , warts , dripping saliva , you all get the picture .. she was ugly !!.

So i closed my eyes and got on with it , after a while i heard grunting . looking up i saw Swampy , making love to the most beautiful women i've ever seen .. a true goddess.

So i yelled at the devil '' Hey , how come i've got this old hag , and swampy's got that beauty''

He replied.

''Some of the women want to get out of here as well ''

:D :D :D :D .

I'll give you ''open season''.

Happy new year Bryan.

Brian

[David Smith]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets and erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning
sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here
that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a grassy pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits
down, and farts.

Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with
firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The huge man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it
implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office.

He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:
"May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours;
you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies:
"Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month,
but I fart 15 times a day. "NO Thanks!"

[David Smith]

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in
Chappaqua, and on each run, he happened to jog past a
hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached
her for what was (most certainly) about to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued
for several days. He'd run by. She'd holler out,
"Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany
her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared
the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized
the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear
(including Hillary), and he would have to come up with
a darn good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them
past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to
handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was --
standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade
the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the
jogging executives.

Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill, "See what
you get for five bucks?"

[bobt]

So, this unhappily married woman found a magic lantern during a walk along the beach. She rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said "As a reward for freeing me, you have 3 wishes. But, for everything you wish for, your husband will have the same thing, only 10 times more so."

The womand thought for a moment and said "I want to be, by far, the most beautiful woman in the world." The genie replied "No problem, but you know this means that your husband will be made 10 times more handsome than you are beautiful." The woman understood, agreed, and was immediately rendered breath-takingly beautiful.

She was very pleased and then said "I want to be the richest woman in the world." The genie replied "You know I can do this but ..." The woman interrupted "I understand - just make it happen." Poof, she has more money than she even imagine what to do with.

The genie said "You have one wish remaining - if you want to think about it, I'll come back." The woman said "No - I know exactly what I want. I'm going over to Metropolitan hospital. As soon as I make my way to the cardiac unit, I want a near-fatal heart attack, one that I am able to recover from."

:troutsmac

[5string]

Since this is the "true story" joke thread....here's something funny that really did happen over the holidays. A friend of mine kept asking me, relentlessly, about something that I didn't know anything at all about. He persisted in asking the question in different ways, I suppose thinking that the different form of the question would evoke the correct answer. After about 10 minutes and 30 different posings of the question and I was still stumped. Having to scratch my head to find a way out of this thing, I replied, "Gee...I'm gonna have to buy a vowel, dude". His drink came out of his nose.

[sandman]

A guy owns a general store and is trying to teach his son the business
''watch and learn son '' he says when a customer walks in
''a packet of lawn seed please '' the man says
giving him the seeds he then says '' and a lawnmower sir ? ''
''why '
''because sir that seed is the best there is and you will be cutting it in a week''
''OK i'll take one '' and he leaves with the seeds and lawnmower ,
''thats how to do it son'' .now it's your turn.

Another customer comes in ''a packet of tampons please''
the boy gives him the packet and says '' and a lawnmower sir? ''
''why would i want a lawnmower ''
the boy thinks a second and says ''well your not going to get any sex for the next couple of weeks , so you may as well cut the grass''

[proberts]

Ok, so I got this new voice operated radio for my car...

Driving down the road, I yelled out "Rock!" and on came AC/DC singing Hell's Bells. Then I got on to a nice winding road, and yelled out "Blues!" and BB King came on singing "The Thrill is Gone."

So, I'm finally approching home, and some children run out in the road chasing a ball, and I yell "Effing Kids!"

Immediately, the radio starts playing Michael Jackson singing "Beat it!"

Paul